Nation Agrees Something Should Probably Be Done, Remains Unclear On What, By Whom, Or When

In what political analysts are calling "a historic moment of almost-agreement," the United States this week achieved rare bipartisan consensus that something — the precise nature of which remains under vigorous debate — should probably be done about something, likely soon, by someone with the appropriate authority, assuming such a person still exists and has not yet been reassigned, defunded, or turned into a podcast.

"We are fully united," said Senator Dale Forthright (R-Somewhere Flat), gesturing broadly at the general situation from the steps of a building that used to mean something. "Something is clearly happening, and we are not going to just sit here and not eventually discuss the possibility of forming a committee to look into it." The senator then boarded a private jet to attend a fundraiser themed "Solutions," where attendees paid $50,000 per plate to eat salmon and agree that something must be done.

The salmon, sources confirm, was excellent.

Polling released Thursday shows 94% of Americans agree that "things" have "gotten out of hand," though respondents were split on which things, whose hands, and whether hands were even the right metaphor at this point. A follow-up poll asking Americans to specify what they meant returned 340 million different answers, three of which were the same, and one of which was simply the word "vibes" submitted 4.7 million times.

The White House issued a statement calling the consensus "a powerful signal that the American people are ready for leadership," before clarifying that the statement itself did not constitute leadership, and that actual leadership would be announced "in the coming weeks," a phrase that White House press secretaries have now used continuously for eleven years without interruption.

On Capitol Hill, the mood was described by one aide as "urgently relaxed." Several committees convened emergency sessions to discuss whether the situation warranted emergency sessions, ultimately concluding that it did, and scheduling those sessions for a date to be determined following the August recess, the September recess, and what one congressman described as "a previously unscheduled but spiritually necessary October recess."

"The American people deserve action," said Representative Connie Forthright-Vague (D-A Suburb), who is not related to Senator Forthright despite the name, the affect, and the identical fundraiser attendance record. "And action is what we intend to deliver, once we have completed the necessary groundwork, secured the appropriate buy-in, and confirmed that action is, in fact, still a thing we are allowed to do."

Outside the Capitol, approximately forty protesters gathered to demand action on the thing, holding signs that read "DO SOMETHING," "SOMETHING NOW," and, in one case, a sign that simply read "YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID," which no one could fully explain but which received the most television coverage.

Counter-protesters, numbering roughly thirty-five, gathered nearby to protest the protesters, holding signs that read "NOT THAT SOMETHING" and "WRONG SOMETHING." Both groups agreed, when asked, that something should be done. They declined to be photographed together. A third group, numbering approximately twelve, gathered to protest the concept of protesting, holding signs that read "THIS IS NOT HELPING" and one that simply said "GO HOME," directed at everyone including themselves.

Experts — the ones that remain — were divided. Dr. Pamela Certainsworth of the Institute For Saying Things On Television called the moment "a genuine inflection point," while Dr. Gerald Hedgeworth of the Center For Qualified Statements described it as "potentially significant, depending on how you define significance, which we are still working on." Both experts have books available for pre-order.

As of press time, something had not yet been done, but sources close to the situation confirmed that the possibility of doing something had never been more thoroughly discussed, more expensively catered, or more sincerely meant by people who would not personally be affected by whether or not it happened.

A follow-up summit is scheduled for next spring. The theme is "Momentum."